My love life severely suffered due to suffering from depression for five years. When I began to heal my depression, one of the areas of focus was building friendships and romantic relationships. I started to read and watch videos on Pick-up. Pick-up is a self-help technique for men to get women. After two years I no longer subscribe to the philosophy. Most of the techniques and coaches are misguided. However, I did learn many things from delving into the culture. This article will serve as a guide for people that want to use self-help techniques to improve their dating life.
Not looking needy is the principal focus of the pick-up community. Not looking needy is also a focus of women’s self-help on how to get a man. The need to not LOOK needy leads to advice such as, “wait three days after getting a girls number to call” or “don’t have sex until the third date.” The self-help gurus are giving mechanical advice for deep psychological problems. The mechanical advice will lead followers into doing “all the right moves” and not getting the intended result. For example, a guy will wait three days to call, and when he finally does, he sounds needy and desperate. He then does not understand what he is doing wrong and why girls still do not like him. For a woman, she will have sex after the third date, get overly attached after sex, become needy, and frighten the man off. So these are things a person can do to remove neediness from there life.
Guru’s in the pick-up community will never tell a person how to remove their neediness. If the gurus did tell people how to remove the neediness, then the guru’s could not sell pick-up seminars a $3,000 a session and comedians could not sell women books on how to get a man.
BuildIng self-esteem is the most important weapon against neediness. To understand and build self-esteem I recommend the book Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon. Brandon breaks self-esteem down into two components self-confidence and self-worth. Self-confidence is the belief that you are capable of finding love. Self-worth is the belief you are deserving of love. Brandon provides many exercises to uncover the root of an individual’s low self-esteem and how the person can raise the self-esteem. I recommend that the reader chooses one pillar to work on each week for six weeks. Once the process of building self-esteem begins, a person will be able to determine why an aversion to people exists.
The inability to have romantic relationships is rooted in low-self esteem. If a person learns to pick up with low self-esteem, they will simply self-sabotage all the relationships that they create. The sabotage will happen at the point in the relationship in which they feel unworthy. In other words, if you feel you are not worthy of sex, then you will sabotage before the sexual act. If you do not feel worthy of marriage, you will cause a big fight before the wedding. The reader’s love life will spin in circles until he or she attains adequate self-esteem.
Having high self-esteem will make a person more comfortable being single. People will properly vet their potential partners once they are comfortable with being single. A person will not rush into a relationship or feel like a relationship is the end goal. Being comfortable with being single will not only reduce the appearance of being needy, but it will also actually reduce the need to have a relationship.
After a basic level of self-esteem is attained a person should work on having the ability to hold a conversation. There is only one way to build conversation ability, talk to everyone. I recommend that whenever a person leaves the house, make it a point to strike up a conversation with at least one person. It doesn’t only have to be women or men that the individual is specifically attracted. Everyone should learn how to conversate with anyone, and it should not be contingent on getting a date. People often wonder how some people can talk to anyone, well they practice.
After a person can hold a conversation, they should concentrate on talking to people whom they find attractive. The person working on their conversation ability should let it be known in the first conversation that they find the person attractive. Talking to someone that is attractive on a romantic level is a more high-risk activity because people fear being rejected by attractive people. With that said, a person must overcome this fear. I would not suggest working up to asking a girl out too quickly. Get to know the person and let them know you are interested. Get comfortable in conversations that have sexual tension. Being able to hold a conversation with sexual tension long enough for the other person to feel comfortable with the tension is the real key to starting romantic relationships.
If a person does dive into pick-up culture, it will be to fine-tune aspects of their game. The person will not be desperately looking for a relationship. Again, a desperate need for a relationship is a sign of low-self esteem. Once a person’s self-esteem is higher, and a person feels comfortable being single, then potential partners can be properly evaluated. Then a person must be able to interact with people in general. Once a person can conversate with people in general, then a person can concentrate on romantic relationships.