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This is an unofficial Spiral Dynamics blog. It is not endorsed by D. Beck PhD.

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Pick-up

What are you attracted to?

Finding out what attracts you is an aspect of dating advice not talked about enough. So much of men’s dating advice is on how to get nines and tens. Much of women’s dating advice is on how to get a wealthy man or a man that wants to commit. I think the real problem is that people are not sure of what they want before they start to look.
 
First, a person needs to know what physically attracts them. Make a list of the ten people that attract you the most. Is this list of ten people all celebrities or people that look like celebrities? If the answer is yes, you may need to evaluate what attracts you and not what gives you the most status in society. A person must separate what they like and what everyone else likes.
 
The most popular method to separate these things is no fapping. No fapping is the removal of masturbation, pornography, fictional books, and fictional television. A person needs a firm grounding in reality and the ability to work processes long enough to get the desired result. Individuals evaluate the ways that receive passive or immediate gratification. Once a person reduces their need for immediate or passive gratification, realistic evaluations of a person’s life can begin.
 
Not masturbating will allow a person to cultivate their sexual energy. The sexual energy will become more pronounced, and you will become able to observe this energy throughout your day. Meditating with the energy will also focus your ability to perceive the energy. As a person goes through their day they can determine what gets them going. They then see what turns them on and they will discover a broad range of personalities and body types will get them aroused. Individuals then can hone in on what they like.
 
Not watching porn is also key. Pornography exaggerates sexual situations to make a person hyper-aroused. Many people watch pornographic scenes of acts they would never be comfortable with in real life. The exaggerated sex distorts a person’s perception of what type of sex they want. Not knowing the kind of sex you want will cause immense suffering in a relationship.
 
Pornography also distorts the perception we have of our bodies. In porn, all the men and women have incredible physiques and insane lasting ability. Many people do not realize porn is edited to make it look like the people have sex for one hour. In reality, there are women off stage to keep the men aroused. Pornography is a production of fantasy and removes people from reality.
 
It is important not to become dogmatic about not masturbating and not watching porn. Masturbation is a natural phenomenon done by everyone. Pornography is deeply ingrained in our society at this point. If you fall off the wagon, gently pick yourself up and start again. If a complex is formed around not masturbating a person will feel that they are a failure if they slip up. They will take the failure energy out into the world and project this when meeting new people.
 
The last thing a person should remove is fictional books and television. This issue with fictional programming is that it distorts a person’s perception of a relationship. One story line that goes on often is a bumbling idiot guy begging a gorgeous woman to go out with him for months, and she eventually says yes. The bumbling idiot scenario never happens in real life. High-quality women want high-quality men. Another is a woman staying with a man that is not treating her right, and she turns him around, and they get happily married. The “turn-a-man-around” scenario never actually happens either. How a person treats you, in the beginning, is how a person will treat you the entire relationship. Movies and TV just get unrealistic scenarios and ideas going in people’s heads. Concentrating on real life allows a person to see life as it is. A person will respond to the actual stimulus in front of him or her instead of some silly idea.
 
Once people have cleansed themselves of the silly ideas, they can write down the ideal relationship. Many people get caught up in the fact they are not having sex, and they should be having sex, or they are not married, and they should be married. It is better to understand what type of relationship do you want. Do you believe casual sex is wrong? Do you want to be married? Are you ok with polygamy? Would you be ok if your partner slept with other people? Honestly, answer these questions. Then you go for the type of relationship you want in the time that you want.
 
If a person does not do this, he will go after society’s nine’s and ten’s. They will be rejected and lower his standards. Then when they are rejected by six’s and seven’s they will feel that they do not have value. A shame spiral will begin, and more suffering will ensue. If a person goes after people they are attracted to then they will have an easier time building a relationship. They will see the other person as high value, and it will come across in the interaction. The mutual feeling of high-value will lead to more success and the building of self-esteem.

Understanding Attraction

I have studied pick-up heavily for two years. I see a lot of misinformation on how attraction works. This article will be used to explain some things that I see misrepresented in men’s and women’s dating advice.
 
The main issue I see is that people attempt to sell the idea that there is some ideal archetype that will attract anyone. For men’s dating advice the guru will sell the idea that he can turn you into James Bond. For women’s dating advice they sell the idea to come off as a sweet, conservative, church-going woman. There are other archetypes that people attempt to sell such as “Classy in the Streets/ Freak in the Sheets,” the “bad-boy,” and “high culture aficionado.” Ultimately, there are so many different types of people that one type will never attract more than a few individuals. Once they are attracted, a connection still has to be built. So spending too much time building a persona is pointless.
 
Attraction has three components physical, emotional, spiritual. The physical aspect covers how a person dresses, body type, hairstyle. The emotional aspect includes the personality traits that allows people to feel comfortable with each other. The spiritual aspect covers a person’s ability to hone himself or herself and allow a person intimacy. To become more attractive a person needs to work on all three elements. Most advice on being more attractive focuses on the physical aspect. The physical aspect is the easiest to see and the easiest to fix, and that is why many pick-up guru’s focus on this aspect.
 
The physical aspect is the aspect to define and fix. A series of simple internet searches can be done to find the best workout plans and to see what clothes are in fashion. The biggest traps to get into when fixing this aspect of yourself is focusing too much time and energy into it. Some girls are perfect ten’s that do not have boyfriends and successful men that do not have girlfriends. The outer appearance is important. However, it is only one-third of the puzzle.
 
The emotional aspect is the next hardest thing. In this area, a person learns how to feel comfortable in social situations. I recommend a person journal about how they felt growing up and interacting in social situations. Understand how these issues from childhood still affect you today. When in a social situation pay close attention to your thoughts. Don’t get caught in your mind, just fully notice them. Learn to be social in spite of these negative thoughts.
 
Most pick-up gurus will give you a preset plan for entering into social interactions. The most common are pickup lines and routines. The student then becomes a robot or an actor following a script. In the beginning, the student feels uncomfortable, and other people see this and reject him. He then becomes better at hiding his insecurity and can use the routines and get positive feedback. A social circle will begin to form, but everyone in the social circle will be expecting to hang out with this persona, not the real person. The social circle will be a tax on the individual and drain him or her of energy.
 
I would recommend a person that is going through social anxiety find someone that they find attractive at a bar or out shopping in the daytime, tell them you are extremely attracted to them, then ask for their number. More than likely the person will say no because you are putting too much energy in the interaction too soon. However, you will get over your fear of rejection if you do this enough times. Most people will be very friendly when telling you they are not interested. If they are not nice, you will handle the rejection and move forward. Eventually, you will realize that rejection is not that bad and you will be braver in normal life.
 
The last aspect is the spiritual aspect of attraction. People can sense if a person is uncomfortable with themselves. The more work done to understand one’s self, the easier time they will have attracting people. Think about aspects of yourself that you are not comfortable with, do you find you attract people that point out these flaws and will not let them go. The reason this happens is that your subconscious mind forces you to gravitate to people that make you work on yourself. If you were to understand these flaws change the ones that you can and accept the flaws that you cannot change. Once you know these flaws and how they affect you, can draw boundaries easily and criticism can be readily accepted.
 
Remember, pick-up, and dating advice often plays on a person’s parental complexes. As a child, we feel that we are not living up to our parent’s expectations. Then either we have an infantile parental complex, in which we try to please our parents or and adolescent parental complex in which we rebel against what our parents want. Pick-up guru’s often asserting themselves as new parents offering a new standard to aspire. The guru replacing a parent will allow a person to remove the old rules and declare new ones. These new standards are not anymore congruent with your core essence. The goal in life is to eliminate rules and live your actual truth.

Before learning Pick-up, do this.

My love life severely suffered due to suffering from depression for five years. When I began to heal my depression, one of the areas of focus was building friendships and romantic relationships. I started to read and watch videos on Pick-up. Pick-up is a self-help technique for men to get women. After two years I no longer subscribe to the philosophy. Most of the techniques and coaches are misguided. However, I did learn many things from delving into the culture. This article will serve as a guide for people that want to use self-help techniques to improve their dating life.
Not looking needy is the principal focus of the pick-up community. Not looking needy is also a focus of women’s self-help on how to get a man. The need to not LOOK needy leads to advice such as, “wait three days after getting a girls number to call” or “don’t have sex until the third date.” The self-help gurus are giving mechanical advice for deep psychological problems. The mechanical advice will lead followers into doing “all the right moves” and not getting the intended result. For example, a guy will wait three days to call, and when he finally does, he sounds needy and desperate. He then does not understand what he is doing wrong and why girls still do not like him. For a woman, she will have sex after the third date, get overly attached after sex, become needy, and frighten the man off. So these are things a person can do to remove neediness from there life.
Guru’s in the pick-up community will never tell a person how to remove their neediness. If the gurus did tell people how to remove the neediness, then the guru’s could not sell pick-up seminars a $3,000 a session and comedians could not sell women books on how to get a man.

BuildIng self-esteem is the most important weapon against neediness. To understand and build self-esteem I recommend the book Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon. Brandon breaks self-esteem down into two components self-confidence and self-worth. Self-confidence is the belief that you are capable of finding love. Self-worth is the belief you are deserving of love. Brandon provides many exercises to uncover the root of an individual’s low self-esteem and how the person can raise the self-esteem. I recommend that the reader chooses one pillar to work on each week for six weeks. Once the process of building self-esteem begins, a person will be able to determine why an aversion to people exists.
The inability to have romantic relationships is rooted in low-self esteem. If a person learns to pick up with low self-esteem, they will simply self-sabotage all the relationships that they create. The sabotage will happen at the point in the relationship in which they feel unworthy. In other words, if you feel you are not worthy of sex, then you will sabotage before the sexual act. If you do not feel worthy of marriage, you will cause a big fight before the wedding. The reader’s love life will spin in circles until he or she attains adequate self-esteem.

Having high self-esteem will make a person more comfortable being single. People will properly vet their potential partners once they are comfortable with being single. A person will not rush into a relationship or feel like a relationship is the end goal. Being comfortable with being single will not only reduce the appearance of being needy, but it will also actually reduce the need to have a relationship.
After a basic level of self-esteem is attained a person should work on having the ability to hold a conversation. There is only one way to build conversation ability, talk to everyone. I recommend that whenever a person leaves the house, make it a point to strike up a conversation with at least one person. It doesn’t only have to be women or men that the individual is specifically attracted. Everyone should learn how to conversate with anyone, and it should not be contingent on getting a date. People often wonder how some people can talk to anyone, well they practice.
After a person can hold a conversation, they should concentrate on talking to people whom they find attractive. The person working on their conversation ability should let it be known in the first conversation that they find the person attractive. Talking to someone that is attractive on a romantic level is a more high-risk activity because people fear being rejected by attractive people. With that said, a person must overcome this fear. I would not suggest working up to asking a girl out too quickly. Get to know the person and let them know you are interested. Get comfortable in conversations that have sexual tension. Being able to hold a conversation with sexual tension long enough for the other person to feel comfortable with the tension is the real key to starting romantic relationships.
If a person does dive into pick-up culture, it will be to fine-tune aspects of their game. The person will not be desperately looking for a relationship. Again, a desperate need for a relationship is a sign of low-self esteem. Once a person’s self-esteem is higher, and a person feels comfortable being single, then potential partners can be properly evaluated. Then a person must be able to interact with people in general. Once a person can conversate with people in general, then a person can concentrate on romantic relationships.

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